Salamat

Few hours before New Year, I took time reading all the entries I wrote over the year. It was quite a different ride but all the more meaningful.

Looking back, I saw how each moment — good and bad — played its role in this great show called Life. I felt the twists and turns, painful wounds and warm embraces, I felt how it’s like to live and to really, really feel alive. 

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I met God. I met Him under the pouring rain along with 5 million pilgrims; 5 million souls and more, all wanting redemption. He was wearing white. He was fragile yet solid. I don’t know how this irony works but it’s true. His body’s frail but his soul is fiery.

I met Love. It was all along with me, unnoticed, silent, waiting to be seen. It has warm, shining eyes which speak millions of words. The moment I recognized its presence, I couldn’t take it off my mind. It etched its name in my heart and this indelible ink will remain. It sure knows how to leave a mark. Next time somebody asks me what love is, I will just remember. I will remember this.

Loss was there, too. It lingered longer than expected. It took a friend (literally), it took love, it took happiness. I guess it was a necessary step; it’s part of the process, of the show. I am actually thankful that it took what I thought was mine, for I realized the ephemeral nature of Life. It taught me that we are just passing by. It taught me that we have to grab the moment given, embrace it with all our heart because we never know when it will go. On ne sait jamais. On ne sait jamais, ma cherie.

Love and Loss, just like Salt and Pepper, Black and White, Yin and Yang, were inseparable. You cannot get one without the other. However sometimes, they don’t go right after the other. And I was thankful I got both this year. It meant I didn’t have to go through the horrid process of “limbo” — that unholy phase where you just couldn’t comprehend what’s happening; is it a yes? a no? stop? go? You were caught in the middle of things and you were, in every sense of the word, stuck. Other people, bless them, suffered very long in this place.

Loss, just like Love and all that’s part of the show, is just passing by anyway.  So I sucked all the pain brought by it. I cried oceans, peeled all the layers of pride, arrogance, assumption, excuses. It was a transformation, a metamorphosis. But I took it with grace and faith.

Acceptance followed. I accepted that this year will not be the year I will study somewhere far nor will I have Love for good. Out of this, I knew I could only do one thing: take this bloody thing head on and make an opportunity out of it.

And voila, I asked and I received.

It was opportunity after opportunity which got me overwhelmed. Happiness slowly came back, Love metamorphosed into something equally beautiful, and Loss was back in the shadows.

I started learning French, I enrolled in Yoga classes, I did my weekly Marian devotion and I read more (which also jump-started me to write more). Plus, I took writing a bit more seriously when I accepted an invitation to write on an online platform for women worldwide.

I traveled, I met friends, I began to see my place in my work. I embraced their mission — OUR mission. And most of all, I will still study.

I saw beauty out of the ugly, the ordinary, the mundane.

I was, again, happy.

But my last salvo was the most epic: I came back on the Ship.

No, it wasn’t given to me on a silver platter. Yes, I shed blood, tears and sweat over this and all the time I was asking myself “Is it worth it? Do I really, really want it?

But I did.

I went back on the Ship and guess what I found? Closure.

I guess the heavens were trying to tell me that (1) It’s possible to go back (2) If you want to move forward, you have to look back first and settle those which weren’t settled yet (3) Looking back doesn’t mean staying there, but it just means you have to rediscover the why and relearn the how. 

After the cruise three years ago, I told myself I would never, ever go back to this ship again because it is just plain cruel. I don’t think I want to go through another process of joyful hellos and painful goodbyes. Once is enough, I said.

But going back, I saw the journey in a different light. There were doubts, the hesitation was as high as the sun, but I went back (mostly because I had no choice and I just had to suck it all up).

All through the journey I found peace within. I felt a greater sense of purpose. I made amends with the past. Details may be too boring but one thing’s for sure: It was a journey I had to take.

Why closure? Because after this trip I can now say: This experience is complete, I can now go down the ship, put all the mementos in a box, but keep the people I met in my heart.

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My 2015 takeaways?

1. Life is full of joyful hellos and painful goodbyes. No matter what you do, you will go through this process, over and over and over again. So take it with good intention, with a warm heart.
2. True, things just pass by. This is temporary. People, things, nature may decay but Love, Loss, Happiness, Freedom… They will always remain… In a different form, for a different reason. But they’re here, waiting to be found. You just have to open your eyes.
3. Take charge of your decisions. Be accountable. Trust yourself. “Trust in yourself starts in being okay with the consequences of your decisions.”
4. Always, and I mean always, be thankful. Because there is always something to be thankful for.
5. And thank God for this for He is the reason why we’re here and why we experience this wonderful thing called Life.

As I look forward, all I can say is that 2015 trained me very well to face you, 2016. So let’s hold hands and let’s give our best shot.

P.S.

Love never fails. Hang in there, this may be your year, ma cherie.