It feels like an impasse; a situation of some sort where you cannot simply identify some leeway to feel a bit…normal. For months you thought you have been bombarded by things that were meant to confront you — your suppressed angst… or whatever shit you’re feeling because you just want to believe that’s how you roll. For months you have held your faith close to your chest, you’ve opened your arms like a bird on its first flight; spreading its magnificent wings and feeling the summer breeze. But it ain’t no breeze, it’s a whirlwind of emotions and questions that are heavy and direct and piercing and too real it stings.
You were too open. But you were close, too. You open when you think it’s something deep. You close when you think it’s too confrontational. You open. You close. You open. You close. And then you got tired. You got tired of even going through the deluge of issues you need to resolve in order to call yourself “fixed”. You got tired of listening to the consistent statement of people who, because of some cosmic conspiracy, were saying same thing over and over and over again. “Choose”. “Let go”. “Enjoy”. “Open up”.
At first it felt liberating. You know, that feeling when, finally, you were able to diagnose what really is the “something” that has been troubling you since God knows when. Your mind was set that you will do this and that. You will fix this first and then this, second. You will finally let go of all those bad habits and take a leap of You-don’t-even-know-what and surrender everything to someone up there.
Your mind was set. But never your heart. Your mind has enough braincells to calculate every plan of action. But your heart is too dry to even respond. You’re trying to find the balance within but you keep on pushing and punishing yourself at the same time. You drown yourself in a pool of negativity and then you numb it. You drown yourself even more in an ocean of good and lovely things but then you get frustrated because it cannot transcend the superficiality of your being. You try to shrug the frustration and pretend nothing happened. You try to divert but it does not work anymore. That “thing” you’re feeling has already occupied a huge chunk of your vitality and it creeps like a time bomb — one more trigger and it’ll blow up… You’ll lose track of time. You’ll lose control. You’ll lose it.
And when you lose. You win. Coz it will only take one more step then you’re off. Fly. Jump. Whatever metaphor you want to use. You win anyway. Coz the moment you lose, is the moment you let go. No control. No Judgment. No pre-emptive movements.
But the question is. Are you ready?
Alas, another decision to make.
Lou x Raine 