A few nights ago, I was savoring the remaining hours of my free day being alone with my book on a newly built cafe owned by a young couple in love with music and Harry Potter. I promised I will not go home until I finished the book, I was almost done anyway. But a phone call changed it all.
In the middle of the conversation I was already holding my mouth, wrestling hard not to let go of the sobs that could give me away. People around me maybe thought I just heard a bad news. Someone just died? Unholy breakup over the phone? Binay running for Presidency? They wouldn’t know.
I hung up, tried composing myself before going back to my seat, and continued reading. Then another phone call. This time it was too much. All I managed to say was “Yes” “Ok” “I understand”. I couldn’t stay longer in the cafe; or else people would be the lucky witnesses of my sudden breakdown.
I gracefully packed my things, paid the bill, tried keeping a smile but the corners of my mouth kept twitching away.
It was a blur; I just knew that time I didn’t want to waste my energy trying to fix things because what’s the point anyway? I’ve already decided and I was sure I didn’t want it anymore.
I phoned a friend, wanting to have someone to hear my crazy defeat. But I guess I just wanted to make a point that I don’t want it anymore and I wanted someone to assure me that I’ve indeed made a right decision. You know, the whole “Fake it till you make it” shebang.
The conversation over dinner was all about “I really don’t want it because I’m through the phase where I just do things to prove something. To myself, to others, that I don’t know, but clearly now I couldn’t see the point. I’m through with it, my time’s over, I don’t want to go back anymore and heck, I will not fight for it.”
I was really sold to this that the next day I chose to be on the field instead of trying to rush through the hullabaloos of bureaucracy.
Then another phone call.
The person on the other line was eagerly asking for an explanation.
“What happened? What’s your decision? Why are you not doing anything?”
I chanted the reasons I’ve been telling people.
“I couldn’t do anything about it anymore. I understand if they want to replace me. No hard feelings. I’m good with it.”
No hard feelings. Really. Because I don’t feel anything anyway.
But he was persistent. He was pushing me. He kept calling me. Calling people. He was fixing things for me and I didn’t like it. It seemed like I was being told to do something I don’t have any desire to do anymore.
More calls came in. Mostly from him, sometimes from other people involved. I was irritated, angry at them and angrier at myself. Why was I not feeling anything. Why wasn’t I doing anything.
To stop the craziness I firmly told him “I’m really okay if they want to replace me. If it’s the decision then so be it”.
But the next thing shook me off.
“Lourraine, it’s okay to be cool and open about things happening to you. But sometimes you have to realize that you should also have to act to your advantage… Take necessary actions that will make you happy. It seems like you’re giving up. You shouldn’t. Make this as a lesson not only in this case but especially in your personal life”
It was a wake up call that came a little too late. I couldn’t do anything now. There was already another person involved. I was in the losing end.
I just held on to the last bit of hope. He’s doing what he could, he’s still calling people, trying to make things possible. I was slapped hard in the face (figuratively) but people were there to support. The moment I regained my sanity, I started thinking of ways on how to undo the damage. I didn’t know people were helping me. But they were there, doing what they could, being here with me. I didn’t know. I was too numb (or dumb) to know.
After hours and hours of phone calls, negotiations, stress and blame game, I was back on track. I got my last piece of chance.
That night I browsed through my conversation with a friend and found this little piece of advice:
Raine, when you shared to me your happiness in your current work and your desire to study abroad, in a program related to your work, I really felt happy because I sensed that what you do and what you intend to do seem to have harmony. You were praying, dreaming. Don’t forget your dreams, Raine, for they are good dreams. But if love changes these dreams temporarily or permanently out of risk-taking and desire for greater personal happiness, I will not tell you not to take the risk. Rather, I will always wish for your greater happiness
and another:
You can either recognize feelings and feel them, or ignore them and let things pass. Both ways, you’ll be fine. But if you opt to do the second, you are reinforcing what seems to be a natural tendency or coping mechanism to be passive about what’s inside you.
What happened in this story is a clear manifestation of passivity resulting from countless heartbreaks and rejections. Tons of letters of regret, opportunities missed and hit-and-miss relationships, this incident was the final blow. But there is something far greater than this. God is much bigger than any failure. He knows how to surprise you and lets you fall and picks you up and makes you understand things because He loves you. And people, these wonderfully made people, are there to guide you. The lesson of the story is to not give up. To continue feeling the feelings and to fight for what you believe in.
Because at the end of the day, you only have to know one thing:
If it’s for you, it’s for you. But you have to fight for it. Don’t be lazy, dumbass.
So yeah, we’re still cruising baby. booyah!
Lou x Raine 